Channeling the Anxiety River

The first time I read the description for OCPD, I felt like it was a profile of a driven CEO, self-regulating and exacting toward perfection. But that only works if the obsessive thoughts are channeled into something, like a business, a artwork, or on a body, without taking over the rational mind.

I'm working on channeling my anxiety into something that works for me. I want to obsesses, but if I obsess only on my body or clothes, it leaves me vain. The key to channeling perfectionism is to disperse it, and watch myself for those tipping points where it takes over.

My anxiety and obsession is like a big rushing river. Its totally out of control, and can wash over everything in its path if I goes untouched. It's constantly fed by drops of emotional rain, filling and swelling. The current seems to have a mind of its own.

I can change the river, even if its strong, though effort. It may take force to push back the current of anxiety and negativity, but if I do, I can harness the power of my true self, and allow the world around the river to thrive.

I can build a dam for my self, though being mindful and aware of my internal world. But even the best dam can be overtaken after a big rainfall, and my emotions can run high as floodwater after a stressful day.

I can take my perfection rituals, try to spread them around and play with it, controlling the impulse rather that letting it control you. If I want to focus, maybe I choose to write, or fix a tedious software problem. But I choose. I try to watch myself, keeping some distance between my true self and the part of me that can easily spiral into total fixation.

It's self-discipline, and self awareness. I often feel like a tiny child with a finger in the wall of a dam, ready to burst, taking my rational control out in one sweeping flood of panicked emotion. And I remember, even the best dam needs a patch of fresh cement once and awhile

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