A New Kind of Strong - Discipline and OCPD

What is strength? I used to think it was about showing a solid front, having it all together without any cracks of doubt or fear.

But that doesn't seem to be possible! So can I redefine strength as something more useful to my life, and more conducive to my mental state?

I am thinking about self discipline -strength of the mind. I was to challenge myself to make thoughtful and disciplined choices, rather than acting out of habit or fear.

Example- sometimes when I do yoga at home, I get distracted by obsessions. For example, staring down at my bare toes is torture. All I can see is cracked nail polish, callouses that need a good go with the pumice stone.

When it got back, I used to stop my routine to give into my anxiety. I would re-paint my toes right then, or grab the pumice for a quick file. Why couldn't it wait? It could - I just didn't discipline my behavior, I didn't focus my mind of what was important in the moment. I lost my flow.

Now, I stop myself. It's hard! The thought to give in to the anxiety habit is so strong. But when I don't give in, when I stay present and focused, I prove that I am stronger.

This can happen any time distraction exists- which is pretty much always. How I deal with the triggering bombardment is the key. Staying focused in my mental world, and making the choice to keep on my given task is a kind of strength that can be cultivated. Its the kind of strength that cab that get me though my yoga, and my whole day with a lot less scattered behavior.

Too Scared to Fail - Fear of Failure and OCPD

Being afraid to fail can cause paralysis if the standards for success are so high, or the inner critics are too harsh. This happens to me a lot - I run down all the possible failures, and risking new choices starts to look scary. Or, I internally berate myself a tiny messed up moment.

I found this great article in Psychology Today Blogs on Fear of Failure. It shows a list of internal dialog that can be used to replace the harsh critic that so often shows up when I do something "wrong" or even when I am taking a risk that could lead to failure. Check it out:


Let's see if any of the following twenty coping statements could help you.

1. I didn't fail, my behavior failed
2. I can learn from my failure
3. I can be challenged by my failure
4. I can try harder
5. Maybe it wasn't a failure
6. I can focus on other behaviors that will succeed
7. I can focus on what I can control
8. It wasn't essential to succeed at that
9. There were some behaviors that did pay off
10. Everyone fails at something
11. Maybe no one noticed
12. Did I have the right goal?
13. Failure is not fatal
14. Were my standards too high?
15. Did I do better than before?
16. I can still do everything I always did, even though this failed
17. Failing at something means I tried. Not trying is worse.
18. I've just begun
19. Tomorrow is another success
20. Tomorrow is today

Think about something you are worried about. Perhaps you are worried that you won't do well on a test, or that someone might not like you, or that you might lose some money, or...whatever. Then go through the coping ideas listed above and think about how you could use these.


Remember, Ralph Waldo Emerson said ""Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. What if they are a little course, and you may get your coat soiled or torn? What if you do fail, and get fairly rolled in the dirt once or twice. Up again, you shall never be so afraid of a tumble."

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Staying on the Island - Isolation and OCPD

Sometimes it seems easier to just be a island. Alone in a vast sea, with no attachments, no bridges that could collapse in a heavy storm.

Having OCPD makes relationships so hard, because I cut myself so little slack, and fail to see how my own anxiety impacts others. It doesn't seem worth the drama and pain of "letting down" those I care about. And no one else can ever live up to my standards of perfection - they inevitably let me down as well.

How can I be ok with this? How do I not shrink away, live on my own little island with no one to hurt and critique but myself?

Because "Island" living- alone and controlled - isn't fun. It isn't living at all. What kind of life story is isolation?

Think about it - what makes a movie good? Drama! Relationships! Heartbreak! and yes... failure. If my life was a movie, what kind do I want it to be? Even in "Castaway", Tom Hanks took some risks to get back to love! Yes- he could have drowned but going off his island. But he was going crazy alone, and he was desperate for connection. In the end, his choice was: be safe or sane. I've tried being safe.

As scary as it is, I have the power to plunge in and write my own script. Yes, drama issues. But I only get one life to play with, one chance to get off my lonely island of anxiety.

I'm building my lifeboat to get back to the drama. All I can do is hope the sea stays calm.

Life Soup Keeps Cooking - Impermance and OCPD

Everything must change. Even the most solid building tumbles sometimes, and even a little ant can begin to pick away at the foundation. This impermance is a main truth in my Buddhist mediation class, and it can totally change how I relate to anxiety and my self.

So if I'm feeling all wrapped up in something - dirty glasses for example - it takes over my mind, its all I can see, its perfect for fail, do or die. Well, at least it seems that way. But the glass is decaying. I am decaying. My situation, and my emotions, can't be solid.

I can't quiet put my hands around my anixety and hold it still. It's always growing or dissapaiting. I can try to control if it goes up or down, but I can't stop it.

I'm not anxious about dirty glasses now, or about anything else. But soon I will be, and then again... I won't be. And so on. Until this body too moves into impermance.

Deep huh? But its just a way of relating "nothing lasts forever" to negative feelings. After all, if everything is moving and change, what is it that I'm so hung up about?

It's easy to take this as - "Well if nothing is solid or stable then nothing matters! Pass me the bottle of wine!". But it does matter.

If everything is moving and changing then I have the power to change it. If I am positive, if I take the view that "this too shall pass" and smile at someone then I have set in motion a good change. There is no way to tell how far one smile can go to brighten someone's day. Ever seen that movie "Pay it Forward"?

So I'm getting over the way things look - solid. I know they aren't so stable, and my body, my mind, my life is in constant evolution and motion. The dishes, the make up, the perfection - these things a moving in and out of my life.

Actions and emotions all make up my "life soup" - just one big swirling pot of soup that keeps on cooking. The flavors change, it can get better or worse. . Once the heat is on it, the cooking doesnt "pause" or suddenly stabilize. It just gets warmer , the veggies and broth keep changing in reaction. I can't make it stop, not without turning off the heat. I can add salt or pepper, I can stir it. I can make the best damn soup I can, so that when the heat goes off and my "life soup" is off the stove it tastes amazing, full of the positive memories and impacts of a life well lived. But until the day my light goes out, I have no choice by to keep cooking.

Taking it Personal - Cleaning and OCPD

Sometimes the kitchen feels like a battle zone. And not just because of any food issues or tempting cookies in the fridge. It's New York tiny, cramped with two ego's and one obsessive, both of which are trying to eat and drink without too many bruises. Only one of which cleans up. Guess which one?

I do the dishes and I don't mind - we don't really cook or use that many. But its hard to to attached my "pass/fail" logic to how clean my kitchen is. I try not to obsess about it, as nothing will ever be totally, perfectlly clean. Mostly I keep all this domestic worry inside.

But then he wanted a cup. I heard him rummaging. I asked what he needed, eager to make him stop messing up the cupbord.

"Oh I need a cup, and they all look kinda dirty" He grabs one cleanish on to examine and started to leave the kitchen. He didn't sound hostile- just a fact to him. But to me? It was a condemnation.

I started by apoligizing, anger and hurt coming though. He was taken aback. No big deal he said. "I feel like a failure!" I responded as I began to haul out all of cups from the cabinet, into a soapy sink. I had to fix this!

He came back into the kitchen, and stopped me. I paused. Time for mindfullness. We looked at eachother. "Not a big deal" he repeated" I nodded. I saw it now. It really wasn't about a cup.

I took a breathe and fessed up to my obsession with a "perfect" kitchen. He understood, I was honest that it didn't make sense to care so much but I did anyway. He listened.

The cups stayed a bit foggy, but our relationship just got a little clearer.

Seeing the River- Mindfullness of Mind and OCPD

I am taking a meditation class at the Interdependence Project and our last lecture was on the Four Kinds of Mindfulness. It went into some pretty deep Buddhist stuff, but a lot of it could be helpful to anyone with anxiety.

One of the kinds of mindfulness was of the mind. It is observing and watching your mental state, being aware of the "tone" of your thoughts. Silent Mind Open Heart has an article that explains it in more detail. Its not so much emotion, but what effect emotion has on your mind. Tricky to explain, but if you try it for yourself it helps!

Ok an example- I feel sad about a friend canceling plans. If I pause and feel the "mind" inside, I can see my thoughts are running a million places all at once. Plans to do something else, to eat, to sleep, rehashing the conversation, wondering if I did something wrong- all these bombard the mind like a waterfall. I know the "tone"- it's anxiety.

Through "Mindfulness of Mind" I try to look at all these anxious thoughts like an observer, even a scientist. I give it a name, a label- "anxious". Once I label it, maybe I can work with it, recognize it, and not get so caught up.

The river of thoughts can be rushing, rapids, languid or just plain muddy. But if I stop, pause, and try to observe that river, I can figure out how to cross it. If I just jump in, without being aware of just what that "thought river" is doing, I risk getting swept away by strong currents.

Being aware of our mind gives the tools to cross even the most deadly rapids, because we do the work to find and navigate each stone. But it is work! You have to be willing to pause, which is hard in daily life.

This weekend, I'm going to work with the "Mindfulness of Mind", and try not get swept away by any currents that push and pull the river inside my head.

Checklist for Happy - Getting stuff done and OCPD

Like a lot of people, I rely on a mental checklist of "Things to get done" every day. Partly its just nessesity - there are errand to get done, and a list helpes me to feel like its more managable. But when I start to create things to do, even when I have no time to do them, I run into problems. I find myself wanting to create items on my checklist of "to do" just to have them there.

Why?

I think I love that "Done!" feeling. The more I can get done, the more "Right" I feel. I push myself, and feel good finishing all my errands, plus cleaning my office, plus brushing the dog... plus plus plus.

Well, there is no way the plus can go one forever, because time runs out. Why am I filling my daily list until it overflows?

I have to realize checking off "Accomplishments" isn't what makes me happy. Yes, I need to get errands done but my self estem and mental state shouldn't be all wrapped up in it. I can't beat myself up if I don't get all my "pluses" done. The dog can wait to be brushed! I talk myself down until I really feel its no biggie.

If I don't let the to do list make me feel bad, I can't let my happiness get bundled with it either. Getting things done, being efficient, being "perfect" at tasks- these are addictive. It's a easy prop for a good mood. But it's not deep or content. I can feel proud if I manage to juggle it all but its not everything. Deep down, I know no matter how many checks are filled in on my to do list, they don't add up to a fufilled life.