Sometimes to break a habit, goals have to be very, very clear.. Otherwise its too easy to hedge. "Well, I almost was on time.." I constantly think. "I was less late that last week,,,"
Yes, small steps are good. But this kind of wiggle room keep me from truely feeling like I made a change. And, after all, the goal isn't to be "Almost" anything. Almost responsible, almost accomplished, almost able to hold my head up high.
To go all the way, specific, back and while goal with no room for "almost"
Leave at 9 am. Sharp. No hedge.
But its a challenge to not feel pressure to meet a perfect goal, and to not beat myself up when I don't hit it.
It comes down to context. The "Leave at 9am" or "No buying new clothes this month" or "Respond to emails within 24 hours" are all just little goals, set in place to streamline my life. It not that everything has to be black and white all or nothing.
And if I don't make a goal? If I "almost: make it? I don't justify. Because I don't beat myself up. If I'm not feeling like a total failure for not meeting a goal, its not as tempting to hedge and talk myself into a truth wiggle.
I face it. Yes, I was late. But thats a fact, not a prision sentance to hate myself the rest of the day. All it means it to do better next time.
The "wiggle dance of truth" as I call it, isn't just toxic to my own mental state. I have to fess up when I goal isn't met to everyone. Ending the dance through specific goals, executed with some compassion, means its ok to not make it. But its not ok to convince myself I "kinda" did.
Why do you think you have developed OCPD? Can you please post about this topic heading?
ReplyDeleteI'm just learning about OCPD, and thinking it might explain a lot for me. I totally sympathize with your struggle with goals, especially with lateness. I'm often late and will beat myself up about it for hours after. Thanks for sharing your experiences.
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