Everything must change. Even the most solid building tumbles sometimes, and even a little ant can begin to pick away at the foundation. This impermance is a main truth in my Buddhist mediation class, and it can totally change how I relate to anxiety and my self.
So if I'm feeling all wrapped up in something - dirty glasses for example - it takes over my mind, its all I can see, its perfect for fail, do or die. Well, at least it seems that way. But the glass is decaying. I am decaying. My situation, and my emotions, can't be solid.
I can't quiet put my hands around my anixety and hold it still. It's always growing or dissapaiting. I can try to control if it goes up or down, but I can't stop it.
I'm not anxious about dirty glasses now, or about anything else. But soon I will be, and then again... I won't be. And so on. Until this body too moves into impermance.
Deep huh? But its just a way of relating "nothing lasts forever" to negative feelings. After all, if everything is moving and change, what is it that I'm so hung up about?
It's easy to take this as - "Well if nothing is solid or stable then nothing matters! Pass me the bottle of wine!". But it does matter.
If everything is moving and changing then I have the power to change it. If I am positive, if I take the view that "this too shall pass" and smile at someone then I have set in motion a good change. There is no way to tell how far one smile can go to brighten someone's day. Ever seen that movie "Pay it Forward"?
So I'm getting over the way things look - solid. I know they aren't so stable, and my body, my mind, my life is in constant evolution and motion. The dishes, the make up, the perfection - these things a moving in and out of my life.
Actions and emotions all make up my "life soup" - just one big swirling pot of soup that keeps on cooking. The flavors change, it can get better or worse. . Once the heat is on it, the cooking doesnt "pause" or suddenly stabilize. It just gets warmer , the veggies and broth keep changing in reaction. I can't make it stop, not without turning off the heat. I can add salt or pepper, I can stir it. I can make the best damn soup I can, so that when the heat goes off and my "life soup" is off the stove it tastes amazing, full of the positive memories and impacts of a life well lived. But until the day my light goes out, I have no choice by to keep cooking.
this is actually more of a comment on your Jan 8th response, if you dont mind would you be willing to tell me what dosage of Zoloft you are on?
ReplyDeletehttp://www.ocfoundation.org/MedSummary.aspx
on this website I read that people with OCD(not quite the same as OCPD) need up to 200mg of zoloft.
My doctor started me out on 25mg so I was basically like wtf?
Right now I live in a small town and I get the sense medical practitioners here are stingy with medication because they want to cover their own ass
feel free to email me with a response at msadler29@yahoo.com
Hey! Thanks for reading :)
ReplyDeleteDosage is very individual. I started on 25mg, and noticed a difference after about 2 weeks. So that low start is typical. Remember, like any drug, even a small amount can be effective at first b/c you have no tolorance. Now 2 years later am at 75mg, and this seems good for me.
I know someone who had severe OCD, she would pull out her hair, and she is on 250mg just to stop that behavior.
But I see a difference in her personality. And sometimes I sense a "fog" I think is the meds. I would rather stay at a low does, and just learn to cope. I dont want to be on meds forever, so I dont want to ever get to a high dose.
But once again, it depends on your goals and your symptoms.
Hope that helps :)