Sometimes it seems easier to just be a island. Alone in a vast sea, with no attachments, no bridges that could collapse in a heavy storm.
Having OCPD makes relationships so hard, because I cut myself so little slack, and fail to see how my own anxiety impacts others. It doesn't seem worth the drama and pain of "letting down" those I care about. And no one else can ever live up to my standards of perfection - they inevitably let me down as well.
How can I be ok with this? How do I not shrink away, live on my own little island with no one to hurt and critique but myself?
Because "Island" living- alone and controlled - isn't fun. It isn't living at all. What kind of life story is isolation?
Think about it - what makes a movie good? Drama! Relationships! Heartbreak! and yes... failure. If my life was a movie, what kind do I want it to be? Even in "Castaway", Tom Hanks took some risks to get back to love! Yes- he could have drowned but going off his island. But he was going crazy alone, and he was desperate for connection. In the end, his choice was: be safe or sane. I've tried being safe.
As scary as it is, I have the power to plunge in and write my own script. Yes, drama issues. But I only get one life to play with, one chance to get off my lonely island of anxiety.
I'm building my lifeboat to get back to the drama. All I can do is hope the sea stays calm.
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