Masks of Myself - Family and OCPD
For me, heading home for the holidays means seeing people that aren't a constant part of day to day life. This can bring about all kinds of anxiety as I feel judged by all of them, trying to alternatively impress and please all kinds of aunts, uncles, cousins and even distant friends.
Do I have put on a golden child mask for everyone? It feels so safe behind that persona.
Either way, its impossible. I cannot be all things to all people. They are just too different. Even if I could mold myself to be so "together" and smart to one uncle, am I not being cute and sweet enough? The negotiation of perfection breaks down. I have to face that I can't switch masks that fast.
And even if I could - why?
Acting as if my life is perfect is just that - acting. It's not real. Its a persona, a character, a mask. And all that does is keep my true self hidden.
How can I feel accepted and loved by my family if I don't let them see the true me- without the mask of perfection?
It feel a lot easier to just try to let go of maintaining all these masks. It gets lonely behind there. I have to trust my family will still love me, imperfection and all.