Emotional Blinders - OCPD and Feelings
Ever feel like you aren't connecting emotionally to the world, except to the emotion of internal anxiety? Maybe you have emotional blinders on too.
For a long time, I used obsessive thinking to distance myself from people and from my own emotions. When all I could focus on was my rules and own perfection, my view narrowed to block out those around me.
I think of it like emotional blinders, like on a horse that can't get distracted from its path as it pulls as carriage. All I can see is the immediate consequence in front of me, and I fixate on controlling one certain outcome.
The problem is when the emotional blinders go on, I miss everything that is going on around me. I can't see how people are reacting to me, and I don't let their emotions inside. The blinders are so good, I don't even know what I'm missing.
Sometimes I miss how worried my boyfriend is that I only eat certain items on my plate. I miss my mom checking her watch anxiously as I keep putting on make up. I miss my coworkers friendly interest as I can only fixate on that one report I didn't get done.
But I miss the positives too. I miss the joy my boyfriend gets eating my cooking. I miss my moms happy smiles as she kills time playing with my dog. And I miss how happy just walking can make me, without obsessing on my destination.
I miss the emotional journey, because the blinders keep my looking straight ahead: I can only see my destination.