I can't say I love to cook. Or even that I have any skill whatsoever in the kitchen. But I do like to make my own food, or at least pick it out. It comes down, once again, to perfection and control.
I'm the girl who has the special order at a restaurant, driving the chef nuts with the "light salt, sauce on side, substitute penne for spaghetti" kind of ordering. I've tried to stop this, if for no other reason that the eye rolls of annoyance from my dining companions
At home, I like to "put together" my meals ( I won't even call it cooking!) But I still get hung up. A little more dressing, only this brand cheese, this zucchini is too bruised to eat... it goes on and on. I find myself getting up from the table, adding or subtracting this or that, searching for that perfect bite. But it never comes.
No matter how great I get at creating my meal, it will still only be... just a meal. And in the end, all the fidgeting and worrying about the taste or substance of what I'm eating only takes away from the actually experience of eating. Searching for the perfect meal only leaves me not experiencing it all all. A daze of worry makes food turn to ashes.
Washing off my plate I realized I was only filling up on anxiety, and am left the empty sensation of failing to meet my own standard of perfection.
What would it mean to taste each bite, not looking for what is wrong with it or how to fix it, but exploring and accepting it for just...what...it...is?
Hello. I'm so happy I found this blog on the wikipedia page. I'm a late teen that also suffers the traits of OCPD. Technically, I can't be tested for it until another year, so I can't be given the diagnosis yet.
ReplyDeleteAt this point in time, I'm not fully independent because of the fear of failure. My parents do most of the chores, and I feel bad for feeling so selfish. I know I'm a good cook and I know I'll be able to live on my own, but I don't believe it.
School's such a challenge. I procrastinate my homework from the anxiety of not getting it right. Working with others is bad, too. I create rules off the top of my head and I'll argue with people who say different. Most of the time I can stay alone, but there is rule for not being antisocial. No joke.
Goodness, I feel so embarrassed writing this. But I'm going to bookmark this page. I'm glad I'm not the only one suffering ^^; Just wanted to say hello and to keep fighting!
I'm really glad you find it helps, I thought I was just kind of writing into the air! I'm a little older than a teen, but in high school I had ocpd and would be totally obsessed with make-up perfection, as well as grades and everything so it made a social life tough.
ReplyDeleteAbout being independent - I love to do things "my way" so in theory I love independence, but in reality it means overcoming a lot of self doubt and second guessing. Maybe I'll do a post on it soon...
Just don't think you are alone! hopefully you have some good people around to help, and if not, there is always the internet :)
Thanks for writing this and creating this blog. I've been suffering with a mild case of OCPD all my life but thought it was a personal defect until I found this site. It all makes sense to me now! Glad to find I'm not the only one. I like your writing. Keep it up...
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