Coffee Challenge - How to Deal with Caffeine and OCPD

When I  first told my doctor about feeling anxious, he asked a ton of questions. But one of the first was – Do you drink coffee?

Well yes, of course I do! Doesn’t everyone? He asked me how much. Then proceeded to tell me that even with mild anxiety I should lay off the caffeine. For a long time I thought the coffee jitters were just physical, keeping me wired. Turns out the effects of caffeine are a bit deeper than that.  He said to avoid coffee if possible – but I live in the real world. I couldn’t just give it up! So I turned to the internet, where lots of scientific studies are made public. Here is one quote:

Dr James Lee, a psychiatrist at Duke University, North Carolina in the USA, said of caffeine and anxiety, "Moderate caffeine consumption makes a person react like he/she is having a very stressful day. If you combine the effects of real stress with the artificial boost in stress hormones that comes from caffeine then you have compounded the effects considerably." During his study the volunteers produced 32% more adrenaline, their blood pressure was raised and their heart rates were faster. 

Well ok, so no double espresso. But what if I want to try to have my coffee, and just use moderation? I found some great tips – and through my own personal experience – here are some things to keep in mind:

Don’t drink coffee without eating any protein. The caffeine goes straight into your bloodstream, and spikes quickly. Combined with low blood sugar, this can really affect your mood.

Dilute it if you can. I started drinking ice coffee with lots of ice rather than a double espresso. It took some getting used to the less sharp flavor, but I’m consuming my caffeine a lot more slowly.

Think about timing. I never drink coffee or tea after 5:30 pm – because I know I won’t sleep! Find you own cut off.

Monitor the stress. Finally, if you know you are going into a stressful situation, take it easy on the coffee. You big meeting is not the time to down 2 cups of joe!

As always, be mindful and find the moderate balance that works for you! 

Balloon Pop - Test Taking and OCPD

On my way to work I saw some balloons floating above the tight grip of a young girl. She was staring at them transfixed by their fluttering beatuy

"Mommy?" She asked to the woman beside her "When can I pop them?"


Yes ballons are pretty, but some people just want to pop them. The promise of little explosion, knowing they are so delicate - that is part of what makes them so appealing!
Of course, once they are popped the drama is over.

All day yesterday I was worried about a test I had to take in the evening. My mind stroked and pulled the string of my worry, freting a little, feeling adrenelinea nd a tinge of fear. The prospect of failure made the who day a little more edgy - and in a way, more interesting.


That test, or many just the anxiety it produced- was my thought ballon.

I tugged and played with it.I pondered my feelings on failure, saw myself the next day- either happy or disapointed. The lip biting aside, the anxious excitement want managable, if distracting. It wasn't substantial or heavy, and I knew it wouldn't last.

Then, as I finally took the test, I felt that balloon pop.

And it felt good.

Thinking and Shopping on Auto Pilot - OCPD and Obsession

Yesterday, the real heat wave of summer hit the East Coast, and with in a whole new line up of wardrobe options. Summer is the time of sweaty walks to work, followed by evening events with my fiance. Long days and nights with too little sleep.

So I find myself donning cute outfits I haven't seen in a year- dresses, skirts, and tanks. I pack up a purse with as many essentials as I can without throwing out my spine. And I set off for my day.

But it seems no matter how prepared I am or together I look - there is always something missing! I find myself obsessing on that one little missing thing - a safety pin to keep my blouse buttoned, some glue for a flappy part of my purse, body spray, hair spray or breath mints.

And so, obsessing pushes me up from my desk to the drug store or deli. It's like I go on auto pilot just thinking of that one thing- and I end up acting out the obession.

Yes, I can usually live without whatever "thing" I simply must have. But I can't seem to think or work until its taken care of.

There are two things that allow me to be myself again and stop the fixation. The first is simply go get it. Get it, and get on with the day.

But then I make this a habit, and feed into the part of myself that can't get things go.

The second option is to stop the auto pilot from taking over. It takes some repetition, but if I think thought how bad I really need that body spray, I start to realize its just a placeholder. The items take on meaning and push my thoughts around because i let them. Sometimes its like my obsessions just need a place to go.

But I can stop the channel. It's hard, but I can press pause on the auto pilot that drives me to that checkout line at the drug store. Because I really don't think my desk at work can fit any more nail files, safety pins, hair ties, or lotions!

Celebrity and OCPD

Anyone with OCPD is bound to have to explain that no, it's not OCD. It not really germ phobia or anything like that, as anyone who has seen me stretch the 5 second rule to 10 will attest.

But OCD is a lot more photogenic and in a lot of ways more noticeable. After all, our culture is one of perfection, so its not so weird to be a perfectionist control freak in the USA!

So more people hear and see about OCD, on TV shows like "Monk" or as a shorthand for being really freaked out by germs.

Well I was clicking along the web and found a list of celebs with OCD. I'm sure there is a lot of undiagnosed ODPC but whatever- when it comes to speaking out on mental health, any press is good press!

Here's are some of celebrities that have spoken out on their own struggle:

Charlize Theron
Billy Bob Thorton
Alec Baldwin
Jennifer Love Hewitt
Justin Timberlake
Jessica Alba

You can read more here about all the theories on celebrity and OCD...

Tipping on the Tightrope- Finding Fun with OCPD

I've been listening a ton to Janelle Monae and he new album "The Arch Andriod". The first single is "Tightrope" and I'm pretty much permanetly sticking it into my eardrums every chance I get.

Maybe I like it for its funky beat. Or maybe its the litling and energetic vocals. But - I think I can relate to the idea of "tipping on the tightrope".

In the lyrics, Janelle sings that she's "See I'm not walking on it, Not trying to run around it, this ain't no acrobatics". Just tip toeing on her tightrope.

Now, yes I know the songs about a dance. But I feel like we all have our own little tightrope in life. Some try to step around it. Some do jumps over it. Some walk slowly. Some fall off all together. Dancing on it seems like a great way to navigate it.

When I feel like I'm barely balancing on my tightrope of work and life, maybe its time to do a little dance on the tightrope. Bring in some joy. Learn a new baking recipe. Read a funny book. Make a silly kareoke video. Post randomly on crazy conspiracy blogs (Don't judge, we all have our outlets!).

But those little dance moves on the tightrope of life can acutally keep you sane. After all, its when you doubt yourself that the wobbles start, and those wobbles can sink you to the ground pretty face.

Yes, mixing thigs up in life is a challenge, and its can be kind of scary. But what is better - falling off trying to go slow and careful, or falling off while busting a dance move.

To rest my case for mixing up life and dancing though those tightrope walking momment heres the video for "Tightrope". The video takes place in a mental ward, where dancing is a forbidden release. Perfect for someone in love with mental metaphores like me!

Washing Away Anxiety- Ritual and OCPD

We all know about the cleansing power of water. From baptism to Olay commercials enticing us to "Wash away our day", there are few symbols that so so universal.

But a new study shows how rituals of washing affect behavior and emotions when we don't even realize it.

I heard about this study on NPR.Done at University of Michigan, it was reported in the Telegraph

The researchers think that the act seems to psychologically draw a line under the decision. Researcher Spike Lee, from the University of Michigan, who led the study, said that washing your hands seemed to remove doubts about whether you had done the right thing.

"Our studies show that washing your hands can symbolically "wipe away" these concerns," he said.

"Once you washed your hands, you seem at ease with your decision and no longer need to do the mental work that makes the chosen alternative look much better than the rejected one."

When I can't seem to let go of work - a bath sure helps! And this study shows its not just me that feels this way.

This made me think of all the behaviors that I do when stressed. These hold symbolic power too- and there for most likely affect how I feel about my past, and the decisions in the future. Like fixing my make up - does that affect how confident I am? Does cleaning my kitchen before bed make me sleep easier- emotionally cleaning up the days stress?
And what about people who live in clutter?

Obviously it opens up a whole range of questions about socialized behavior, motivation, and emotional states. It just confirms what so many already know - that rituals have a real power on our lives, often even if we are not conscious of it.

Now I just hope I won't over-think the cleansing power of my bath too much!

Worry Warp - Anxiety and OCPD

I've noticed something, mostly at work when I have a frantic amount of tasks in a short amount of time. I can get stuck in a "worry warp".

I try to make a task list. My mind starts reeling - not just with the actual tasks but all the emotion. The "hows" of getting it done get wrapped with the "how I feels" about getting it done.

And then, nothing gets done at all!

I feel overwhelmed, and can feel my mind trying to tackle it all at once. I just want to do everything at once, but my brain doesn't cooperate. A little bit of one task then - switch- I have an idea about another then - switch- I've just got to get some water- then swich - I'm back to revising my task list!

And though it all, my mental state is less than calm.

Time passes, but nothing really gets done. I feel like I'm doing a lot, but really im stuck in a worry cycle.

How to escape? I hunker down and get mindful of one task. I pick, and I go with it. No jumping or frantic cramming.

Mental focus is tough, but if I work hard to develop this skill, I can get a lot more done, and - most importantly- feel better while doing it.

Missing the Show - Worry and OCPD

Life is our movie, in a dark and closed theatre. We can't know what other think, or what their reactions are. And the more we worry, the more of our lives are spent missing out.

The person we should be scritinizing for any reaction is the inner self. I try to peer into my own reactions. Why does this both me so much? What am I drawn to? And that kind of inner looking does have a purpose- because I can change it.

So next time you are looking hard or worrying too much about the other movie-goers just know- maybe that mean look just means they hate the smell of popcorn.

And the more you read into every twitch, the siller you will feel when the credits role and you get asked "So, what did you think of the movie.?"

Enjoying the Flavor - Emotional Pain and OCPD

I was checking out the OCD center of Los Angeles blog, and they discussed some great research on the genetic link between physical pain and the pain of social rejection.

"Researchers already knew from previous studies that the gene, called OPRM1, regulates the body’s internal painkillers, known as mu-opioids. In layman’s terms, the presence of this gene variation results in people actually feeling more pain in response to being physically hurt. What is so interesting about the new study is that researchers discovered this same gene variation also appears to regulate the level of distress felt if one is socially hurt."

So the researchers did some tests on people, using an MRI to scan the brain and various levels of physical and emotional pain were inflicted. The findings backed up the genetic information - the same brain centers that lit up during a poke or a prod lit up when the subject was emotionally hurt.

This is interesting to me, because a lot of my worry lies in fear of rejection. So am I experiencing a heightened response to all pain, emotional and otherwise, due to a genetic predisposition?

Well, maybe. My first thought was about how sensitive I am to spicy foods, and how all I feel is pain as a hot pepper hits my tongue. Other who relish some flaming cayenne can't seem to get it.
"It hurts?" they ask in wonder. And I simply don't understand the spicy "flavor" they talk about.

We have genetically different tongues. One tastes a pepper, one feels pain. And no matter how poetic I get, I can't really make they understand, because they can never taste what I taste.

Are emotions like this? Its hard to explain just why I feel so hurt when my work isn't perfect to most people. They don't "get" why is matters so deeply to me. Maybe they just weren't built to feel that kind of pain.

But I do know one thing- pain can be overcome. Tolerances can be built. I made a effort, at the behest of a Indian Buffet loving friend- to build up some chops for curry. So little by little, I ate some spicy. I dealt with the pain, trying to feel it in a different way. And you know, even if I'll never ask for extra Jalapenos, I can tolerate a good Massaman.

If I can train my taste buds, maybe I can train my mental pain genes in the same way. And while I'll never enjoy rejection or emotional pain, I can at least get less afriad of the flavor.

Tanning and Anxiety- UV rays and OCPD

From Medical News Today:

"A new study from the US suggests that some people who frequently use indoor tanning beds may become addicted to the habit and are also more likely to be prone to anxiety, use alcohol and other substances, suggesting that exposure to UV light may lead to behavior patterns typical of substance-related disorders."

Confession time - I used to be a tanner. I wouldn't say I was addicted, but certainly I loved the skin tingling glow that left my skin brown. When I moved to New York, I realized orange skin is not a good look.

So was I unwittingly feeding my obessive tendencies, causing myself anxiety by soaking in some UV rays? I remember feeling totally worried/anxious/insecure if I couldnt get my tanning fix, but that was the same with a lot of things. Maybe tanning was just another way to play out my implus for control. Control my hair, my make up and - my skin tone?

Vanity is a easy way to feel in control, and for OCPD women this can be a problem. Tanning is very vain, and also at some level self destructive. OCPD people tend to think they are "superhuman". Perfectionisim lets us think "Radiation? Won't hurt me! And I'll look like the most sun kissed one in the room!"

So is tanning a symptom of destructive and obsessive vanity, or the cause? Do people who think they are immune to cancer also more likely to drink and smoke, even to the point of excess?

Are self obessed, perfectionist and insecure people more likely to spend more money and time of looks through tanning?

I think yes. I don't think UV rays cause anxiety or substance problems. Both tanning and drinking are about a desire to focus on the external- to escape the self, to distance from others. And also to proclaim "See these toxic behaviors dont hurt me! I laugh at skin cancer and liver cirrosis!"

When I was thinking about the hue of my skin, about a party or about the buzz, about the external- I avoided looking within myself.

And yes, anxiety swirls around when you build up behaviors like walls around part of yourself. Because what happens when those behaviors are taken away? When you have to stop tanning, when you stop drinking. You stop getting your fix of control, your neat little habit with visible results.
Addiction.

So I wouldn't go around thinking UV rays are cooking your grey matter to create a OCPD mind. But if you are a anxious perfectionist like me, its worth taking a look at patterns of behavior, like tanning, that serve an emotional purpose.

Maybe its time for some suncreen instead!

Type it out, give pause - Work and OCPD

At my office, we use email and AIM to talk and communicate, and way more dialog goes on in black and white pixles than around the water cooler.

As I was responding to my boss, typing out a message, I re-read whart I wrote. There I was apologizing and justifying my work, being all worried about his feelings toward me, over anxious to please. I used way too many filler words, to try to soften what I meant to say.

I realized all I really needed to say was "Ok, will do".

Less anxiety, less worry, less drama. More clarity? The drama is in my mind, and inside it can be hard to relaize just how many words that story of worry really has.

But typed out it looked silly. It needed to be simplifed, for my boss's benifit and my own.

Now, if one I could edit my thoughts with one click and a tap of the "delete" button!

Relationships and Pain- Getting Hurt with OCPD

Sometimes people hurt us. The people we love, the people we let in. That's the trade off after all. There is a saying : When you invite someone into your home, you risk some muddy footprints.

You can ask your guests to wipe their feet. Maybe sometimes they do. Maybe it's most of the time. Every time, your carpet is unblemished, you heart is safe.

Soon, you stop asking. He knows - She likes me to take off my shoes. It becomes habit. Love and kindness are simply the way of things.

But sometimes it rains. Mud sloshes the streets, and his shoes get dirty. Caked with mud. The world doesn't always keep your home's clean floor in mind and it doesn't discriminate.

He comes in and forgets. He forget, and the shoes stay on, the mud caked and drying all over the floor. Precious kindness is no longer a habit. It was taken for granted.

You can scream and beg him to stop trampling all over. You can cry and ask why he didn't think, this one time, why didn't he stop? Why was this visit the one that ended without kindness, without thought, without the safety of a lovers habit?

You can even ask yourself if he did it on purpose. He knows I am nervous, that my heart is fragile, and yet still..."

But it doesn't matter. The footprints stay there. The mud is drying, and the damage is done.

Apologies don't take them away. Even as you clean you know - they will stain. For years, his footprints will be there, maybe just a dull outline, but they will be. Trampling in a gritty memory on the heart.

Maybe you forgive. Maybe you forget. Maybe you move on But every time it rains, you remember how it felt to have him forget to be kind. You might even put down some mats, some padding, some buffer just in case someone decides to be cruel. You have been hurt and now you understand you can't always count on habits of kindness.

And you never stop asking, everyone now, everyone who comes in, into you home, into your heart, to wipe their feet.

Some habits are not broken.

Cellphone while Driving- Multitasking and Anxiety

From "Think You’re Good at Driving While on Your Cellphone? You May Be Right" in Wired Science:

About one in 40 drivers qualifies as a “supertasker,” able to combine driving and cell phone use without impairing performance of either activity, say psychologists Jason Watson and David Strayer, both of the University of Utah in Salt Lake City. These unusual exceptions to the general rule that performance declines when a person does two things at once (SN: 3/13/10, p. 16) may offer insights into the workings of attention and mental control, Watson and Strayer propose in an upcoming Psychonomic Bulletin & Review.

Well I guess my article about the anxiety of multi-tasking is proven a bit flawed. I have so say, sometimes my obessive mind can totally focus on all the balls in the air, juggling tasks like crazy.

Yes, it can be efficient to train the mind to "supertask". We only have so many hours here, so better pack in everything you can! At least thats what I tell myself as I run from gym to dog run to work and finally to bed.

But does that lead to a better life? Are we happier if we all train ourselves to "supertask" and get manage to get in 4 more phonecalls before we pull into the driveway?

Or are we just going to miss the scenery out the window?

It's good to have a choice, to be able to supertask when its needed, and still be able to pull back and breathe once and awhile.

Rest and Relax- Sleep and OCPD

There is always more to do. This truism in felt especially for me around my home, at night, when I start to see all the little dust bunnies I want to attach under dressers and tables. Here I am, its almost midnight, and still I am trying to clean what seems like a whole dust bunny colony.

Thats when I use some big picture perspective. What will matter tomorrow- clean floors or my clarity of mind? As I sit at work, will i be thinking about the dusty floors, or the heavy tired feeling behind my eyes.

Rest wins out. Althought its great to get stuff done, dont lost sight of the most important task of all : taking care of yourself!

Knowing Where The Box Ends -Saying No and OCPD

As I posted about last week, I moved this weekend. So many boxes, bags, cases and tape!

The move was scheduled 9am on Sunday. It was Sat. night. I still have packing to do... but my friend texts me, asking to meet up.

To say I was anxious would be a tremendous understatement. All that day, I was racked this thoughts of how much more I had to do, then the cleaning, the garbage collecting - and oh, dont forget the unpacking once Phase 1 is complete.

I was future projecting like crazy, the my future was covered in cardboard and tape.

So part of me wanted to jump to run and meet my friend. But I stopped. I pictured myself trying to sip wine and have fun. Was this possible tonight? Where would my mind be? What did I really want?

I couldn't feel like I would be fun to be around, not tonight, not when my head was already deep into my task list.

So I declined, and I totally miss her, and kinda wish I went. But you know, I'm pretty proud I was able to "say no" for my own sanity.

I took that night to finish up more packing, and made plans with my friend for next weekend.

Sometimes saying "no" is needed. But its through honestly looking at my own needs that I was able to. Getting wine with a friend isn't a "to do" list item. It's a want to do. So that means knowing what I want, something that can be tricky when compulsion sets in.

I think the more I say "no" or "yes" rather than just "doing" it all, the more the boundaries of my self are formed. Getting to what I want, my walls, my needs, my own self is packed up in a box, ready to move into a future.

Letting the Boxes Pile Up - Moving with OCPD

I am moving, which is a total nightmare situation for anyone with even a hint of anxiety. I've hired movers, but its up to me to pack up everything in my apartment. I started last week, and have felt that I just want it to be done. Over. Taken care of. Controlled.

It's hard to go out, go to yoga, or even go to work when all I can think of is my "to pack" list. I can't really pack everything until the day before, but I've started on what I can. This makes my worry manageable. "Look!" I can tell my task master mind "I've got the whole living room packed! Only the closet to go!"

But then there is the other problem - Living with the boxes.

They are piled all around my place. The walls are bare. It feels cluttered, claustrophobic and messy. I want the boxes out, unpacked in my new place! I try to keep the boxes neat, but there is no disguising the fact that this is a place in transition.

I just have to live with the mess, exist with the box piles. The alternative was to save ALL my packing for the day before, something my "To Do", results driven personality would never tolerate.

So I am living in the mess. Trying to be ok with "unfinished". Calming myself with the impermanence of this "boxy" state. Everything is changing, and this mess is a part of that. Transition is all there really ever is anyway. 2 more days in this space, 2 days of a unresolved mess.

And if I can use this as a opportunity to be OK with things that are cluttered, and messy? I have a whole life to enjoy a little less anxiety.

Blizzard of Uncertainty- The Unknown and OCPD

They said it would snow. Everyone at work was a buzz about the storm. But the best weather experts only could give educated guesses really. They used their knowledge, their insight, and the science tools to give a forecast. But in the end, no one can say the exact number of inches that would accumulate on my front steps.

I was anxious, like many when a "blizzard" is predicted. How would it change my day? My boyfriend's day? My dogs day? My routines, my daily life, would be altered. And I couldn't know by how much exactly.

I was focused on the day of the storm, worried about the impending weather. But in the end, how is this different that everyday life?

Events happen. We can't predict them, not really. We use out tools, our minds, our learning to assess. But we can never tell the inches of trouble that life piles at our doorstep until we step outside.

How we cope with the unknown, the storms and the predictions, determines how anxious our lives are. I ask myself - am I trying to shovel away the blizzard before it even hits? Am I worrying about snowflakes falling that are unknowable, and uncontrollable? Wouldn't it be a better way to live to try to accept what can't be predicted. Maybe then I can just enjoy my snow day.

Staying on the Island - Isolation and OCPD

Sometimes it seems easier to just be a island. Alone in a vast sea, with no attachments, no bridges that could collapse in a heavy storm.

Having OCPD makes relationships so hard, because I cut myself so little slack, and fail to see how my own anxiety impacts others. It doesn't seem worth the drama and pain of "letting down" those I care about. And no one else can ever live up to my standards of perfection - they inevitably let me down as well.

How can I be ok with this? How do I not shrink away, live on my own little island with no one to hurt and critique but myself?

Because "Island" living- alone and controlled - isn't fun. It isn't living at all. What kind of life story is isolation?

Think about it - what makes a movie good? Drama! Relationships! Heartbreak! and yes... failure. If my life was a movie, what kind do I want it to be? Even in "Castaway", Tom Hanks took some risks to get back to love! Yes- he could have drowned but going off his island. But he was going crazy alone, and he was desperate for connection. In the end, his choice was: be safe or sane. I've tried being safe.

As scary as it is, I have the power to plunge in and write my own script. Yes, drama issues. But I only get one life to play with, one chance to get off my lonely island of anxiety.

I'm building my lifeboat to get back to the drama. All I can do is hope the sea stays calm.

Life Soup Keeps Cooking - Impermance and OCPD

Everything must change. Even the most solid building tumbles sometimes, and even a little ant can begin to pick away at the foundation. This impermance is a main truth in my Buddhist mediation class, and it can totally change how I relate to anxiety and my self.

So if I'm feeling all wrapped up in something - dirty glasses for example - it takes over my mind, its all I can see, its perfect for fail, do or die. Well, at least it seems that way. But the glass is decaying. I am decaying. My situation, and my emotions, can't be solid.

I can't quiet put my hands around my anixety and hold it still. It's always growing or dissapaiting. I can try to control if it goes up or down, but I can't stop it.

I'm not anxious about dirty glasses now, or about anything else. But soon I will be, and then again... I won't be. And so on. Until this body too moves into impermance.

Deep huh? But its just a way of relating "nothing lasts forever" to negative feelings. After all, if everything is moving and change, what is it that I'm so hung up about?

It's easy to take this as - "Well if nothing is solid or stable then nothing matters! Pass me the bottle of wine!". But it does matter.

If everything is moving and changing then I have the power to change it. If I am positive, if I take the view that "this too shall pass" and smile at someone then I have set in motion a good change. There is no way to tell how far one smile can go to brighten someone's day. Ever seen that movie "Pay it Forward"?

So I'm getting over the way things look - solid. I know they aren't so stable, and my body, my mind, my life is in constant evolution and motion. The dishes, the make up, the perfection - these things a moving in and out of my life.

Actions and emotions all make up my "life soup" - just one big swirling pot of soup that keeps on cooking. The flavors change, it can get better or worse. . Once the heat is on it, the cooking doesnt "pause" or suddenly stabilize. It just gets warmer , the veggies and broth keep changing in reaction. I can't make it stop, not without turning off the heat. I can add salt or pepper, I can stir it. I can make the best damn soup I can, so that when the heat goes off and my "life soup" is off the stove it tastes amazing, full of the positive memories and impacts of a life well lived. But until the day my light goes out, I have no choice by to keep cooking.

Taking it Personal - Cleaning and OCPD

Sometimes the kitchen feels like a battle zone. And not just because of any food issues or tempting cookies in the fridge. It's New York tiny, cramped with two ego's and one obsessive, both of which are trying to eat and drink without too many bruises. Only one of which cleans up. Guess which one?

I do the dishes and I don't mind - we don't really cook or use that many. But its hard to to attached my "pass/fail" logic to how clean my kitchen is. I try not to obsess about it, as nothing will ever be totally, perfectlly clean. Mostly I keep all this domestic worry inside.

But then he wanted a cup. I heard him rummaging. I asked what he needed, eager to make him stop messing up the cupbord.

"Oh I need a cup, and they all look kinda dirty" He grabs one cleanish on to examine and started to leave the kitchen. He didn't sound hostile- just a fact to him. But to me? It was a condemnation.

I started by apoligizing, anger and hurt coming though. He was taken aback. No big deal he said. "I feel like a failure!" I responded as I began to haul out all of cups from the cabinet, into a soapy sink. I had to fix this!

He came back into the kitchen, and stopped me. I paused. Time for mindfullness. We looked at eachother. "Not a big deal" he repeated" I nodded. I saw it now. It really wasn't about a cup.

I took a breathe and fessed up to my obsession with a "perfect" kitchen. He understood, I was honest that it didn't make sense to care so much but I did anyway. He listened.

The cups stayed a bit foggy, but our relationship just got a little clearer.