No Wiggle Room - Goals and OCPD

Sometimes to break a habit, goals have to be very, very clear.. Otherwise its too easy to hedge. "Well, I almost was on time.." I constantly think. "I was less late that last week,,,"

Yes, small steps are good. But this kind of wiggle room keep me from truely feeling like I made a change. And, after all, the goal isn't to be "Almost" anything. Almost responsible, almost accomplished, almost able to hold my head up high.

To go all the way, specific, back and while goal with no room for "almost"

Leave at 9 am. Sharp. No hedge.

But its a challenge to not feel pressure to meet a perfect goal, and to not beat myself up when I don't hit it.

It comes down to context. The "Leave at 9am" or "No buying new clothes this month" or "Respond to emails within 24 hours" are all just little goals, set in place to streamline my life. It not that everything has to be black and white all or nothing.

And if I don't make a goal? If I "almost: make it? I don't justify. Because I don't beat myself up. If I'm not feeling like a total failure for not meeting a goal, its not as tempting to hedge and talk myself into a truth wiggle.

I face it. Yes, I was late. But thats a fact, not a prision sentance to hate myself the rest of the day. All it means it to do better next time.

The "wiggle dance of truth" as I call it, isn't just toxic to my own mental state. I have to fess up when I goal isn't met to everyone. Ending the dance through specific goals, executed with some compassion, means its ok to not make it. But its not ok to convince myself I "kinda" did.

Worst Case- Fear and OCPD

Sometimes we know our fears our irrational. Fear of heights? Yes, I know there is glass in the window. Fear of clowns. No, I've never encounterd a homicidal Bozo.

It's pretty easy to fight through those,

But some seem so big, so real, that we take for granted that they are rational. We have bought into out fearful narrative for so long, we can't see that it might be just as irrational as a fear or mice.

The key is to think throught it.
We act our of fear habits too much, and give them too much power. Try this thought exercise: What is the worst that can happen, if that fear comes true?

For example: I'm scared of my hair looking messy at work. Worst case: my boss thinks I'm messy. So? He treats me with contempt. So what? He fires me... So? I am in the poorhouse.

I mean, is that logical? Do I really think messy hair will lead me to financial ruin? As vain as I sometimes am, I don't even believe that. It's possible he will treat me differently if I constantly look like a slob. But, knowing my boss, even that stinks like a random justification,
The fact is, my "worst case senerio" makes no sense. Once I think it through I have to laugh. And the fear gets less powerfull. I can stop that worry from taking over.

Lets do another common OCPD fear: Cleaning. So I act like I"m afraid to leave dishes in the sink at night. What is the worst case? My fiance sees them the next morning. So? He thinks I'm dirty, or gets mad. So? He leaves me. So? I"m lonely. Another worst case: Mice come into my kitchen to feast on crumbs in the sink, SO? They carry dieases. SO? The bite me or my dog, making us sick.

Wow... see I can go on and on. Its fun, in a twisted way. I mean, if my fiance was the kind of man to yell about dishes or leave me, then I am with the wrong person. And mice would have to be pretty smart and quick to infiltrate my home over on night of dishes.

Now some fears make sense. And even thinking about the worst case of very real fears can help me to feel more prepared. But its the silly ones, the fearful habits I keep acting out, that get dismantled by this little mind game.

Less fears mean less random, meaningless obsessions. Life is too short to waste on fears that make not sense!

The Elephant and the Rider- Change and OCPD

In the book "Switch: How to Change when Change is Hard " the authors talk about two sides in our minds that have to work together if we are going to change. The emotional mind and the analytical mind. A lot of times, the emotional mind is strong but not heading in the right direction. Or, the analytical mind gets all focused on the facts and planning (obsession anyone)?

They use the metaphor of a rider on an elephant- the elephant is the emotion, pulling along the rider and very hard to tame and direct. The rider needs the elephant to move, and the elephant needs the rider to point out where to go, and to show it that mice aren't something to be afraid of!

The book says that motivation (elephant emotion) and direction (rider pulling the reigns) both have to work together. Then, we can change everything from behavior to a corporation.

I see what they mean every time I plan and set a specific goal, then simple drop the ball as my emotions start to falter. Yes, I plan get in touch with a friend I haven't seen in awhile. I can plan all day and night, but when it comes down to picking up the phone, my emotional elephant struggles.

"What if she doesnt want to talk to you? She is busy! You are going to seem desperate..." etc...

Time to reign it in! Getting a handle on emotions is a whole other challenge, but understanding these two sides helps to appeal to others as well as yourself. I can think of how good it would feel to talk to my friend, and prop up my mood thinking about all the great friends i do keep in touch with.

When it comes to helping "direct" other people's elephants, you can't just push emotional buttons or give a dry blueprint for what you want.

Give that emotional elephant a kick, then lay out the road map to drive it down!

For me, getting over "perfection" is part ending the over-analayzing while also not getting paralyzed by fearful. I have to feel positive, and also give myself small specific steps to guide me. Next time I feel that struggle, to fall back on habit or to give in to fear, I know thats when I have a opportunity to practice getting my Elephant and Rider exactly where I want them to go: toword a positive, fufilling life!